Sometimes
by Starom
Summary: Just some musings from Jacob's POV. Not really one for Edward lovers, although you may like it... I hope so, at least! OneShot.


Sometimes, even when doing the simplest things like, for example, looking out of a window at two in the morning, you can suddenly find yourself thinking the most bizarrely out of character things

Sometimes, even when doing the simplest things like, for example, looking out of a window at two in the morning, you can suddenly find yourself thinking the most bizarrely out of character things. Take me for a good, honest example. I'm staring out into the black of night. Well, I know it should be the black of night – I remember how that feels. But it isn't nearly as dark as it should be – at least not to my eyes.

Sometimes, sitting here in the forest can make you think the oddest of things. Two in the morning would have seemed like the stupidest time to go and sit in a forest to me a year ago. But I guess, like with all things, time changes you, makes you do things you would never have done before. I would have been lay at home, in bed, or I would have been… no, I think I would probably just have been in bed. But now, I sit in the forest, gaited and almost satisfied. Almost.

But she's gone off again. In a moment, I'll just go from happy to sick with worry, the termites of emotion gnawing angrily at my gut. Like I didn't have enough to worry about! Now she's gone chasing her stinking leech of a boyfriend to God knows where. It's like she actually loves him. Maybe one day, she'll stop looking in his direction and perhaps cast a small glance toward mine. She'll never see me whilst he's here again. I was so close to her – so close to finally letting her into me, to finally have someone to love and to have the love returned to. And then he came back…

Do you ever get tired of being human? Of having so much responsibility and just wanting to go away, to hide and never even have to think about what's happening in the world? Well imagine that same gut-wrenching, nauseating feeling and multiply it ten-fold. That's how I feel. Actually, that's how I feel when I'm human. I guess that'll be the only difference between me and you. I don't have to be human – well not all the time, at least.

Hot skinned and hot headed, I bet that's what she thinks about me sometimes. Like I never think of anyone but me, myself and I. It's not true. All I think about is her. She's like a voice in my head, a photo on my eyelids and a … a… well, a part of me. When she isn't around, I feel so empty, so cold. It's like she's the thing to keep me happy through my years, through my pathetic half-life as a man and wolf.

At least there's a good things about that. She didn't freak out when I told her. She was actually almost happy – something to take her mind away from all of the pain. But she still wasn't quite happy with being around me. I could take her mind off things, but if I stopped for just one moment, just to take a tiny breather, her mind would flicker back to the leech – to that cold, heartless bloodsucker. She couldn't ever forget him – Mr Perfect. He was always on her mind. Secretly, though, she wanted me as well.

Frustrated and confined by the whirlwind of emotions, I peel off my shirt and pants. Quickly, I phase and glance about, all of my senses re-defined and sharpened. To feel the weight of the fur all over my body and the strength in my muscles – nothing quite beats that. I take a quick scan of the surroundings and then… then I just run. Nowhere in particular, but I'll get back sure enough. I'd never leave. Not whilst she was still here and with a chance of loving me. It's like a magnetic pull – the simplest of physics – but still so powerful, so restricting and so dominant.

But still, to run – to run aimlessly with no direction, no need or no purpose – it's like nothing I knew before the change. I can run for miles on end, without really breaking a sweat. But I can hear them, see through their eyes, think through their minds, forcing me to return, making sure that I don't forget I'm all furry and four legged for a reason. But I just want to forget, to leave it all behind. Do you know what I mean? Well, I can't blame you if you don't. But it's that feeling – that freedom – that's everything for me. That. And Bella.


End file.
